Logline: The wunderkind GM of a professional basketball team navigates the complexities of the business side of a sports franchise when he attempts to sign a star player during free agency.

Comments Summary: This script showcases an uncommonly strong grasp of structure. Using the pursuit of Sherrod Gillislee as the backbone of the pilot is a smart move that keeps the characters active, and does a nice job of framing the larger context of the team’s situation for future pursuit of a championship in subsequent episodes. However, a sports team trying to win is expected. It is quite literally the sole purpose of a sports team. Drama, as much as in comedy, relies heavily on surprising the audience. If a journey is expected, then it must be how one completes the journey (or whether or not they complete it) that surprises. The script needs to delve deeper into why or how this team’s journey is unique. Thankfully there are a myriad of ways in which to achieve this. It would be greatly beneficial to the story if the audience was able to spend more time with the team in the pilot. If the season is to follow the Seattle Sharks, now supported by their star player, on their journey to obtain a championship, we should first see how the team functions without him. At the very least, we need to be introduced to the team as characters if they are to appear later, as the function of the pilot is to give the audience a sense of what to expect week-to-week. If the team is not going to be a central aspect of what would be the subsequent series (thus focusing exclusively on the functions of the team’s front office), then we need to lay more of a groundwork for what that will be like. Jake is presented as a gifted salesman/wordsmith, but there is more to the job of GM than negotiating contracts, and there’s only so much drama to be had from worrying about budgets and revenue. Every episode can’t be about winning over a star player, the pilot needs additional or more compelling storylines and a more unique central hook. Much like the pilot episode of NBC sitcom 30 Rock, not only do we need to see the courting of a star player, but we need to see why that star player’s presence is necessary to the team and thus the success of characters we care about, and we need to see what obstacles stand in the way of the new arrangement being a success. In 30 Rock, Liz Lemon is tasked with wrangling unruly movie star Tracy Jordan into joining the cast of her low-rated sketch comedy show, where his success is dependent on the chemistry with previous star and center-of-attention Jenna Maroney. On top of this, Liz isn’t even interested in having Tracy as it will taint the integrity of a show she built with Jenna, but she is forced to comply with the decision as it has come from her newly appointed boss Jack Donaghy, and not complying could spell the end for the show or her involvement in it entirely. This is a fantastically tangled web of conflicting character motivations that make for great drama and comedy. We don’t see enough of this in UNTITLED. The story hints at potential issues with Mel and Michael, but doesn’t explicitly reveal what these are to the audience by the end of the pilot. As previously stated, the pilot needs to make clear what stories the audience can expect to follow throughout the season/series. The idea that the team might be in financial trouble by taking on Sherrod is a fantastic idea, but it doesn’t come to fruition in the pilot. Ideally, we would see this influence Mel into vetoing the deal or shutting it down in some way, leaving room for an exploration of his motivations for doing so later on. We also hint at some potential issues with team chemistry when, after accepting the offer to join the Sharks, Sherrod tells another player to “fall in line” behind him, but we don’t get to see this play out. What is the unique hook to following this team or these characters? Through dialogue we learn that the Sharks were one game away from making the finals. Though this ostensibly makes them a bit of an underdog in relation to the dominating Thunderbirds, in the grand scheme of things (and as a top four team), they don’t have much opposition. They don’t need to be the worst team in the league to be underdogs or public favorites against a dynasty, but an argument needs to be made for why we want to believe in them. If the Sharks lost previously because of alleged cheating on the part of the Thunderbirds, they would be positioned as favorites to take down a dynasty, an incredibly relevant sports story in the era of the New England Patriots and the Golden State Warriors. What are some sports teams from recent years who have had inspiring or sympathetic stories? The Cleveland Browns, long associated with losing, won a single game over the course of the 2016 and 2017 seasons, won their first game in week 3 of the 2018 season to widespread acclaim. This most recent NFL season saw the Chicago Bears finding unusual success after finishing last place in the division for about 4 seasons prior. When they lost a playoff game they would have won thanks to an embarrassing missed kick, fans were crushed, but now have motivation going into the next season. Even in basketball, the Cleveland Cavaliers’ historic come-from-behind victory in the finals against the Warriors dynasty found fans from everywhere cheering them on not only because the Warriors were the enemies, but because Lebron James is a fan favorite leading a team of lesser-knowns against a team of superstars. Because this script uses fictional teams as stand-ins for the copyrighted NBA teams audiences would otherwise be familiar with, the script needs to work to establish a narrative around the team before audiences will follow them. Are the Sharks lovable losers who got close once and are desperate to prove themselves? Were they wronged previously and owed retribution? How do people feel about Sherrod Gillislee? Is he a Draymond Green-esque villain? A Lebron James-esque hero? A Giannis Antetokounmpo-esque superstar looking for his first championship validation? What’s unique about this team and these characters? Why them? Why now? This is perhaps the largest issue with this script in its current state - the writing is solid and stylized in a way that feels similar to Aaron Sorkin’s distinct style of verbose antiheroes, but the story lacks heart. It’s flashy, but there isn’t much that makes the audience feel particularly strongly one way or the other. It doesn’t provide a fresh or unique look into the world of sports management - it’s flashy and business-oriented like we’ve seen in both real life and fiction. It doesn’t seem to present a unique commentary on the industry - its players are simultaneously driven by success and morally bankrupt by this drive like we’ve seen, once again, in both real life and fiction. What’s the unique situation or fresh take that doesn’t yet exist? In its current iteration, the characters feel overly familiar and underdeveloped. The attempt to convey Jake’s expertise is clear, but uninteresting. His opening speech is full of clichés that make him feel like an imitation Don Draper. In fact, Jake feels almost identical to Draper in more ways than one. Where Don’s moral bankruptcy serves a purpose -- highlighting the two-faced artificiality of an industry that preaches best-intentions but in practice exists solely to manipulate people into spending money -- Jake’s flaws (perfectionism, infidelity) feel meaningless and devoid of context. Don’s infidelity exposes the artifice in the persona he presents to clients. What does Jake’s infidelity say about him or his industry? For a show about the business side of sports, it feels lacking in any real commentary about the relationship between management and the “product” that this industry deals in - human beings. For the audience to really get on board with a story about the business side of sports, they have to see that Jake a) understands the plight of the athlete and b) has a unique perspective on it. It could be that he understands it and tries his best to give both sides the best of both worlds (tries to do right by players who often feel like inanimate objects rather than human beings with families and lives while still building the best team possible and making the most money/winning etc.). Or, it could be that he understands their plight but only uses it to manipulate them into doing what he wants (a la Don Draper who struggles with his own humanity but ultimately decides to use it for personal gain because that’s how the circumstances of his birth dictate that he act). Either way, we need to see that he is not only a deeper, more complex human being, but that he at least has a deeper understanding of the larger context in which he and his job exist. In which direction is his arc headed? Is he a bad person trying to get better? A good person trying to stay that way in a world that keeps pulling him down? It’s not clear because there is no real emotional connection to his character either way. In addition to Jake, the supporting characters feel similarly devoid of complexity. What type of person is Sherrod? How does he feel about his life and his options? What does he do at home? Is it different than how he presents himself at work? The female characters are, unfortunately, pretty weak across the board. Abbi is the housewife who exists only in her relationship to her husband, and Tea, the only other female character with a significant presence, embodies a tired stereotype about young women - that they are vapid and without substance. She also only exists as a prop for Jake’s development. Perhaps Abbi is also an exec at the team, or even the head coach, and the two have differing philosophies. If Jake is using athletes’ dissatisfaction with the world of sports management in order to manipulate them into building a better team, perhaps Abbi is the foil to this, someone who genuinely cares about her players and wants to make them better people. The writing and dialogue here are solid with the exception of the portrayal of sports media. TV pundits repeatedly report on specific, insider information that it doesn’t seem like they would realistically have access to. Teams’ and players’ interest levels are generally speculative rather than explicitly quantitative - there wouldn’t be a “secret team” that is interested in a player, and you wouldn’t say that a particular team has “secured the number one spot as the most likely destination” for a given player as that isn’t how either of those situations work. It’s a small detail, but one that makes the world here feel poorly researched and unrealistic. Ultimately, this script shows some confident command of structure, but its execution feels lacking in specifics and complexity. Without a clear theme, message, or situational hook, it’s unclear why exactly audiences would emotionally engage with this narrative. This script needs to flesh out the characters and concepts significantly in order to feel like a necessary piece of fiction that audiences want to hear. Right now, it’s Moneyball without the sabermetrics. What makes this story unique and why? What’s the unique take? Right now, there isn’t one, and its commercial value falls short because of that.

Logline: A woman discovers that she has received new personality and memories from a bone marrow transplant – including how her donor was murdered.

Comments Summary: MARROW is good. Really good. In a market more or less inundated with formulaic thrillers, it’s interesting that the story manages to be both original and familiar at the same time. It’s incredibly well structured and written, hitting not only all of the required beats but doing them in a way that feels surprising and engaging. The characters themselves all play well off of each other, helping reshape a lot of the more convoluted twists and turns into something that feels fresh and logical. The script honestly is a perfect example that you don’t necessarily need to reinvent a genre to write a great script; you just need to understand it. There are a few plot beats that feel less focused than the rest of the script, as well as some characters that are ultimately underutilized, but all in all MARROW achieves what it sets out to do and more.

Logline: While hiding in an abandoned mansion from the dangers of WWII, a young boy, with the gift of an over-active imagination, must venture from safety in order to save his mother… only to discover that reality is worse than anything he has ever dreamed up.

Comments Summary: “The Vagabond Prince” contains virtually no issues outside of a few typographical errors and was one of the most enthralling screenplays I have read in a long time. A good script should be able to capture a reader’s attention to the extent that all mechanical aspects of a script become invisible due to the effortlessly graceful flow of the story: this screenplay accomplishes that in spades. The script concocts a strange and interesting brew by mixing together hints of “Nell,” “Gone with the Wind,” “The Others,” “Pan’s Labyrinth,” and “Alice in Wonderland” into a single story. This may sound like the script is trying pack too much in to a limited space, and yet it works due to the fact that it was clear the writer was inspired by these films and did not copy them outright. The screenplay unfolds in a fluid manner that digests easily while remaining poignant, and this intoxicating script contained a story that read with ease as well as a premise that kept me captivated till the end. With only a few (very small) errors they were hardly enough to render the script anything less than production-worthy.

Logline: Story chronicles the early career of Bill Watterson, author and creator of Calvin & Hobbes, and his coinciding struggle with the sudden popularity, coverage, and licensing battles that came with creating one of the most influential comics of a generation.

Comments Summary: The Boy And His Tiger is simply fantastic. It builds at a perfect pace, juggles countless small moments and weaves them easily into the big picture without losing sight of their small meanings. Bill Watterson is a complicated character, in real life and in the script, but the writer comes from such a place of clear admiration that the audience falls in love with Bill’s eccentricities as quickly as his wife and the world does. It’s honestly hard to find anything negative in the project as a whole, or anything that can be improved. While there are individual tweaks that could be made, it almost exclusively comes down to personal preferences rather than outright writing issues. The script as is serves as a pitch perfect project to start making rounds to get representatives or talent interested in this writer, this script, and the launch of what should become an exceptionally talented career.

Logline: A brash and rebellious hacker gets caught with technology being used by cyber terrorists, and finds his only way to stay out of jail, save his brother and conceal his true hacking identity is to work with the NSA’s secret anti-cyber terrorist program known only as Nexxus.

Comments Summary: In a TV market desperately on the hunt for a fresh, yet comfortably familiar series “NEXXUS” delivers well above most of the pilots that will go to air this fall. The pilot mixes an excellent recipe of wit and action with timely themes, strong characters, and a setting that is original, but not so unfamiliar that middle America will be scared. The pilot offers a strong intro to a series, and includes a handful of characters you’ll find yourself eager to follow. In a new market once again oversaturated with police, hospital and law dramas, Nexxus reminds me of something akin to the ease and action/comedy of “Chuck” but with the potential to ocassionally turn it up to 11 and give 24 a run for its money. Fast, exciting, and leaving you wanting more – that’s how I’d sum up this pilot.

Logline: An archeological dig leads to a shocking discovery that proves time travel is not only possible, but that the Russians accomplished the feat in the 80’s (resulting in the Chernobyl catastrophe). Now a U.S. crash project must immediately begin endeavors to study and surmount the achievement.

Comments Summary: “Discoveries” is a quickly paced, very well written, pilot that would lead in to a series with a lot of commercial potential. The show has an excellent premise and structure and the pilot lays the foundation for several seasons worth of self-contained episodic as well as ongoing serial story arcs. The strong characters are enough to keep you interested in the pilot and story, but luckily that is far from this script’s only strength, as the overall high quality of writing made this teleplay a pleasure to read. The current visuals for the pilot are very good, and I have no doubt they will become even more interesting in future episodes as more is revealed. It’s easy to envision “Discoveries” being renewed season after season, as the show will be sure to appeal to any and all fans of sci-fi/action/adventure TV. That, coupled with a very unique take on the time travel theme makes the show incredibly interesting, and yet still manages to stays grounded in reality. The pilot has a captivating teaser at the beginning, great reveals and hooks at each act break, and gets into some pretty cool territory that easily shows how this show will only get better with each subsequent episode.

Logline: In the future, a thief who replaces his own memories with the identities of those around him must go on the run to recover a stolen virus threatening to bring down the whole system.

Comments Summary: ANONYMITY is fantastic. The writer has a strong grasp on structure and story, and the pacing and build in the story itself is impeccable. The action scenes all build in logical yet unexpected ways, and the tone has a great noir-ish action feel to it, that leaves you on the edge of your seat as the pages fly by. While the setting is determinedly futuristic, it’s smartly low key enough that any production budget wouldn’t quickly balloon out of control. A fun, stylish read from a new voice I hope we’ll be seeing a lot more of!

Logline: A prickly tween genius runs her own detective agency with the aid of her best friend and sidekick.

Comments Summary: The Ardenworth Files is an extremely well-constructed TV pilot focusing on a thirteen year-old child prodigy who is running her own detective agency. The story perfectly combines the teen world with noir detective undertones and storylines and in doing so creates something fresh and interesting. The character work is brilliant, especially the dynamic between our main character and her supporting cast. This is exemplified in the superb dialogue that manages to capture the voice of a teenager who is smarter than most adults, but who still speaks like a teenager.

Logline: An unassuming Arab-American college student gets recruited by the FBI to infiltrate a suspected terrorist cell on his campus, only to become radicalized himself in the process.

Comments Summary: Radicalized is strong, with confident, clear writing from a professional and experienced writer, memorable visual imagery, and a provocative premise that’s sure to get people talking. Little things could be improved, such as conversation length and grammar errors in the series outline, but it’s very easy to picture this pilot as a show. The writer’s depiction of Muslims is more even-handed in this draft, and while it does seem hard to imagine rooting for a terrorist, the writer seems capable of pulling it off, as he consistently demonstrates his thoughtfulness, intelligence, and talent in this draft.

Logline: When their significant other is killed in a car crash, a man and woman discover they have been dating the same man for ten years.

Comments Summary: COUNTERPOINT is a fantastic, well written and character driven script. The things it does right it does better than a lot of ‘professionally’ written and sold script, including fantastic characters with real motivations, desires, and goals. The plot never moves forward for the sake of the story, merely stepping back and letting the characters themselves dictate where conversations and, ultimately, the story goes. There are some issues, mainly with a disconnect between the first and second half, but in the end nothing should stop COUNTERPOINT from eventually finding a dedicated team to bring it to life.

Logline: A hilariously raunchy ensemble comedy chronicling the intersecting arcs and misadventures of a group of people attending a divorce party. ‘Bridesmaids’ meets ‘Love Actually’.

Comments Summary: DIVORCE PARTY is fantastic. In a script market constantly clogged with droves of questionable ‘edgy’ comedies, it stands out with fantastic dialogue, well fleshed-out characters, and hilariously original situations. Some scripts can succeed or fail based on the talent attached; the biggest strength of the script is that it will always stand out as a well written and hilarious comedy, even if it were made by a fifth grade talent show. DIVORCE PARTY easily showcases the writer’s talent for wordplay and comedy.

Logline: Disparate perspectives on the 1960’s communist fear and organized crime seen through the eyes of a transsexual cabaret singer tasked with infiltrating a gay club run by a communist gangster.

Comments Summary: CLUB LAVENDER is an extremely well written script, with a rich and textured story world that would look amazing on screen. It compares very favorably with many TV series such as BOARDWALK EMPIRE or VINYL, yet does more than enough to stand out from the crowd. The world here is so specific and distinct, with the writer finding fresh spins on some of storytelling’s classic tropes, weaving elements of thriller and mystery into an intensely personal story. Seamlessly combining threads about transgender society in the 1960s, the fear of communism in Cold War America, and the way that both interacted with organized crime, this story remains relevant and poignant for modern audiences.

Logline: After a bad break up, a young writer travels to London to try and find inspiration as well as the real meaning of love.

Comments Summary: EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN is a fantastic, well crafted drama that is driven by a well thought out emotional center. The biggest draw is the perfectly sculpted character developments and arcs, all of which happen naturally and dovetail perfectly with each other. The movie has a message, if not an outright moral, and the protagonist’s journey is an engaging one. There are slight issues with over direction throughout, as well as the possible problem that the plot points are all a little too on the nose, but nothing large enough to deter the writer going out with this project after a miniscule rewrite.

Logline: When a work obsessed young woman, with a sketchy past, accidentally kills her date, she enlists the help of her slacker neighbor to cover up the murder.

Comments Summary: “You’re Dead To Me” is a hilarious feature comedy with a really fun premise. The idea is very intriguing and easily leads to a ton of comedic moments that organically emerge from the aftermath of the situation. Add to this a time constraint and a surprise antagonist and the writer has truly raised the stakes to make this script high concept. The story itself is excellent as well. It is well crafted, meaningful, and not just merely a vessel for cheap laughs. It also ties up all the lose ends and doesn’t push the suspension of disbelief too far. In addition there is a strong B story. This script never gets too sappy or cheesy, which is refreshing, and makes this feel more like a regular comedy than a rom-com, thus opening the appeal to all audiences. I loved this script.

Logline: A fatherless copywriter uncovers a stash of immaculate love letters dated the year he was born, and postmarked from Key West and Havana, Cube. Convinced he is Hemingway’s bastard love child, he travels down to Key West with his teenage son in tow to usurp his birthright.

Comments Summary: After I turned the last page of “Hemingway Boy” and set down the script, I could not help but feel that this is the kind of story that makes a writer known. The characters big and small, are so well developed, they walked right off the page and created this world around me as I read. There is a comedic, truly Americana mystery unfolding and the writer paints a vivid world for us to journey through as our main character traverses through a life lived, and a life longed for. There is also something very appealing about the idea that this man, who is far from having the perfect life himself, is so determined to uncover his true namesake… a potentially absent father who was well known to have his own personal demons, but also one who may well have been the best there ever was in his field. It’s a wonderful coming-of-age journey for a man still searching for meaning in his life, and his slacker son he hopes to impress, and win over along the way. The story is full of heart, and beautifully mixed together in a comedic and dramatic tone akin to “Sideways” or “Little Miss Sunshine”. I eagerly look forward to seeing what this writer does next!

Logline: A down on his luck Henchman, desperate to win over his family and impress his super-villain boss, sets out to capture the greatest superhero ever… his new next door neighbor.

Comments Summary: “Henchman” is a fun, funny, and family friendly script that gives us a fresh look at the superhero genre through the eyes of a villain’s henchman. Filled with goofy scenes and ironic situations, this comedy does not fail to deliver as it touches on what makes a good-guy good, and a bad-guy bad, all while remaining fast paced, original and exciting. Think “The Incredibles” meets “Despicable Me” when you think of this script. This screenplay has all the makings for a big franchise-launching summer 3-D release; it is very well written, the premise and story are very strong, the scenes are funny, both the characters and the premise are relatable to the masses, and the story mixes in a lot of real world problems into this fictional space. Overall, this was an incredibly enjoyable read that kept me entertained and laughing from beginning to end. I have a feeling we’ll be hearing a lot about this script and writer very soon!

Logline: In order to solve his wife’s murder, a reclusive scientist uses his experimental technology to dive into the memories of her accused killer.

Comments Summary: “The Memory Sphere” is an “Inception” or “Source Code” like sci-fi story with a stellar mystery thrown in to differentiate it from the pack. It is the complete package from immaculately written visual descriptions, to fascinating characters, to an enthralling mystery, to a wonderfully moving story, all wrapped up in a very marketable premise and a story world that allows for all the amazing visuals like those we saw in “Inception” – yet done without all the exposition that was necessary to understand it. I have little to offer in the way of criticism or advice. The story was clear, it had me hooked from the beginning, it left me moved in the end, and I was never bored at any point throughout. I would definitely pay to see it, I would enjoy watching it, and I would recommend it to all my friends. Given the success of the aforementioned films, I see no reason why this wouldn’t be a commercial success. Even with the dark storyline and somewhat dark ending, it still manages a wonderful emotional resolution that will not be easily forgotten. And while the special effects could be expensive, the cast and locations are very concise and controlled. I see no reason why this shouldn’t be purchased and produced. Congratulations to the writer.

Logline: After learning that he is dying from cancer, a former hit man, physically haunted by the souls of people he’s killed, takes revenge on his boss who he blames for the degradation of both himself and his city.

Comments Summary: Benamor’s action/thriller wowed our readers with its unique setting, motivated characters, memorable visual elements, and exciting action. Most of all, it was clear that Benamor’s writing showcases a strong and unique voice, with his words being confident, capable, and demonstrating a clear vision of a fully realized world. The script has similarities to both “The Raid” and “John Wick,” in regards to the flashy and stylized action, while still maintaining originality with its locations and themes.

Logline: The remarkable true story of Katharine Gun, a woman who stood up to her government and the US in defense of the truth about the war in Iraq.

Comments Summary: THE SPY WHO TRIED TO STOP A WAR is a gripping true story that centers its plot on the characters and their trials instead of its agenda, walking the tight rope of a political message film and a riveting drama. The script succeeds on almost all counts, with only a few small issues cropping up throughout that, more likely than not, simply reflect the facts of the story rather than narrative missteps. While it’s always hard to suggest changes for a story that is following a true set of events, nonetheless there are a few story beats that seem disconnected from the rest of the plot as a whole, as well as a number of secondary characters that appear only to give their contribution to the overall picture and then disappear for the remainder of the film. None of these issues, in the end, really derail the core of the film, though they might want to be considered in future rewrites. All in all, the script is a near perfect example of its genre and with the right backers could easily be seen drawing in crowds who aren’t normally drawn to this type of political nail biter.